ever so plucky

I need a Dr. Killinger

2008-06-09T20:04:51Z

Hey there, LJ-land. Been awhile, again. Not a lot going on with me recently, just the usual work, depression struggle and WoW, with occasional social stuff tossed in. The depression has been harder than I've admitted at large, and I keep hoping I have a handle on it, but then I'm down for the count again, and don't leave the house for days. This, along with random illness stuff, has resulted in a lot of missed work (and missed money), which is in part why my contract is ending on June 30 (the other reason is that the friend who got me the job is leaving in early July, and I'm not sure I'd want to stay on, anyway). Whew. Yeah, that took a bit to admit, I'm not proud of it.

So I'm not upset, exactly (I thought this was coming, over the weekend, so was prepared), because I really do hate this place and the work they do (which I find overall pointless and wasteful), which added to my utter lack of motivation to get into the office. But this does mean I'll soon be without income, and with rising gas and food prices, it's not a pretty place to be. I am going to take July off, to try to do a whirlwind of eBay selling (I have a lot of collectibles) and maybe meet up with people for organizing work and just generally get my house and life in order. Plus, I'm signed up and paid for (and plane tickets bought) San Diego Comic-Con at the end of next month (including the masquerade!), and I'm not keen on starting any job and taking 4 days off a couple of weeks into it.

I don't really know what I want to do, jobwise, which is also not a pretty place. I'm not qualified for a whole lot apart from tech stuff (and my skills, such as they were, have severely diminished in the past 4 years, even if I wasn't generally disinterested in sysadminry), and it seems clear that just paper-pushing for some faceless giant will eventually wear me down and crush my spirit. I'm going to try out Idealist.org, and look into non-profits, but I need something that's at least $20/hr and don't know how possible that is. If anyone has any suggestions of where to look or what I should try, I'd appreciate it; this file clerk thing just happened without any searching on my part, and it's been a lot of years since I've done any sort of jobsearch.

I'd always hoped to take some time off to travel when the contract ended, to go visit my family back in MN and ND, and to make it up to Seattle again to see my friends up there, but I'm not sure it'll work out--my brother and his family are moving back to Grand Forks as soon as they can manage, and hope to have their house on the market in July, and I don't want to be underfoot for that. And Soula and crowd are coming down to CA in the middle of the month for a thing, so they'll be off during the time I might have driven up, so that's not likely to happen either. I'm probably better off just sticking here and selling and shipping stuff, but it still makes me a little sad.

So yeah. That's me. I'm behind on LJ, for pretty much the last couple of months; how're you?

gotta get the heat down

2008-05-15T23:21:36Z

Why is it hot in the office? Don't our day jobs exist to provide air conditioning during the miserably hot day? Bah.

that's me, Spanky Pants

2008-05-02T20:25:37Z

It's been long enough since my last post that Firefox no longer autocompletes this URL. Hm.

I went to Costume-Con 26 last weekend, and was in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy masquerade with an awesome group of women. We are: the Space Girls.

That's me as Baby, magickalmolly as Ginger, jainamsolo as T'Posh, the incomparable Corli as Sporty, and Nina (our Slave Leia from last year's L_11) as Scary. And we won Best in Show for Presentation!

I was invited to do this last year at Silicon, when I was having anxiety attacks about being out in public (but had to be, as we were doing L_11 as an exhibition piece), but signed on posthaste even through that bad headspace, because I thought it was the funniest idea ever. I've been working on my costume for the past couple of months, with Corli's guidance because I'd never sewn spandex before, and am generally insecure about my pattern construction (but that's getting better as I do more!), but I did almost all of the sewing myself (the collar went feral, and my machine kept seizing up) and am extremely pleased with how it turned out, especially given all the alteration it required (spandex is heavy!). So pleased that I am full of run-on sentences, apparently.

There's pictures and pictures and pictures and even more pictures to come, if you want to see some silliness and/or costume detail. I'm so excited about this thing, still, and can hardly believe we won. We were sitting in the audience during awards (which afforded us a look at the other costumes, as the green room was insane, and we were 35 of 47 entries, so saw none of the show), and oh, damn, they gave Funniest, oh, well. We're just glad we got to present it, and that people seemed to li--holy shit, BEST IN SHOW! Our heads exploded due to our shrieking, and we all dashed up to the stage and jumped around, grinning like fools. It was awesome, and I'm so glad I got to be a part of this group.

I definitely need to make some icons!

Post of more substance to follow at some point, maybe; I'm out of the habit for this LJ thing. Suffice to say that I'm alive, still struggling more than I'd like, but I'm finding my center. Getting to be involved in something like this project has really helped focus and motivate me, which makes it even more wonderful.

iBendOver

2008-03-26T08:50:16Z

I think I'm going to cry.

Earlier tonight, I finally broke down and started migrating files to my external hard drive, after discovering that I, er, didn't have enough space to install the latest Warcraft patch. This primarily means offloading the nearly 40 gigs of music I've managed to acquire. And I use iTunes (I'm sure you can sense the doom already).

Didn't work the first time, when I blithely copied everything to the external drive and just changed the path name in preferences. So I looked it up online, as I am wont to do. Found a useful page, but said, "Wait, didn't Chuck have a nightmare with this? I don't want to lose my arcane playlist organization." So I looked at the comments and found what seemed to be a sensible solution--edit the .xml file myself and get the thing to reload.

So I did. And now I have precisely one piece of music in my iTunes library, the one I'd manually re-linked to the new location as a trial/for the pathname.

Ok, this sucks, but I'll go look at the file again and figure something out...except I can't open the file. My "30-day trial" of fucking iWork has expired (I've had this laptop for what, 3 1/2 years now?), and it looks like I'll have to shell out $80 to get access to TextEdit again. Which is, of course, the only application from the damned thing that I'll use, but it looks like I haven't much choice.

Anyone have any suggestions, either for fixing my botched migration (I really don't want to lose my filing system, but will recreate it if I have to) or finding some kind of workaround for this despicable extortion? I have to go to sleep, or I will break down, as I'm too tired to be rational anymore, and this is a pretty hard wall I've smacked into.

P.S. My ankle is doing much better, and is clearly a strain, not a sprain, given the mobility I've regained and the degree the pain has lessened. Woohoo.

crotchety cane-wielding curmudgeon

2008-03-19T05:16:06Z

I just dry-swallowed two pills with my cane propped up next to me. Hi, I'll be playing House this week.

After spending all afternoon at Rancho Huevo, foot propped up and with periodic icings, I tottered back home to beg off of Warcraft stuff tonight, and back again for an avocado to add to our dinner. While here, I noted that my ankle actually felt pretty good, and had a brief moment of yay (I'm better!)/boo (Augh, was I shamming?)...before sitting up (leg down) for awhile as we ate dinner. Holy shit, did my foot hurt after getting up from that. So I'm going to be more diligent with the ibuprofen, and bring something to work for periodic icing breaks tomorrow (I'm stuck in a corner non-cube thing, so there's nowhere at all I can put my foot up and actually get anything done), and yeah, I'm going to keep babying this.

X-rays came back "no fracture," hallelujah, and the doctor gave me (oh, I'm sure my insurance will make me pay) a big old plastic ankle brace (with removeable gel/air pack things for cooling), and I'm very glad I have at least one pair of lace-up sneakers left; I'm going to be on the really casual end of business casual for the next week or two, I suspect. I also got my tetanus vaccine for the first time in probably 14-15 years, and it's making my upper left arm ache like crazy; extra super good!

Bah. Hopefully I can will myself into wellness quickly, because I sure would like my normal motion back. Though I suspect I won't manage either the sugar-free treats I'd hoped to make for Raven, nor the Cupcakes of Caerbannog for this Sunday's festivities, more's the pity. Thanks for the well-wishes, folks.

...yeah

2008-03-18T15:11:17Z

I think I sprained my ankle last night, and now it's worse than I'd expected it to be, because that's just how life is. My clumsy-ass self turned my foot completely under (and in) by mis-stepping off the stupidly high doormat outside the front door, and I was all, "Ow! Damn," but thought, y'know, I've done this before, it'll be fine. I kind of half-assedly elevated it (not actually above my heart), and did rest last night (meaning the dishes are undone and piling up), but didn't seek out ibuprofen or ice it or anything. And today I can't walk on it without a lot of pain, so am mentally cursing myself.

I've been up since 6:30, uncomfortable, and on the phone with insurance and doctors and my dad (who was a blessed distraction) for the last hour. I'm going in to my PCP (no urgent care, yay) at 9:50, and guess I'll twiddle my thumbs (certainly not my toes!) until then, actively elevating my foot and maybe icing it once more.

This, of course, means I'm out of the veil dancing thing for awhile (and I'd just been getting going again!), and I have no idea how long it'll be a problem, or what I'm going to do about the CC26 SF masquerade thingie (which is dancing in platform boots). Super good!

Sigh. At least I didn't break it, but man.

cut off

2008-03-14T19:21:48Z

I'm eating lunch, and I go to telnet to idiom.com to check my email. I can't get through. I get a proxy error when trying to load any idiom.com page. Other webpages work fine (including here, obviously). I can telnet to logrus just fine.

I've noticed a lot more lag from work when trying to read or send email (which I do maybe a handful of times a day, for a minute or so at a time), and don't know if this is because of some new firewall configuration or because Idiom got bought out a month or two ago, but it is driving me spare.

I can't read much LJ at work (hi, lunchbreak), since there is no downtime with this job (just constant paper-pushing), so already feel cut off from the endless comment conversations people have, and I'm probably off the LJ map for most people, due to non-posting. But now I can't even read my email? Yeah, this is great, give me another layer of isolation.

Now telnet has brought me to a login screen, but it's lagging so badly (like, 5 minutes after I typed my username, it appeared on the screen) that I can't actually log in.

with nasty big pointy teeth

2008-03-13T21:00:45Z

Yeah, hi, I don't post anymore, there's nothing of interest to say...nothing that anyone will care about, at the very least. Work, Warcraft, Dae Jang Geum, wash, rinse, repeat.

But Easter is coming up! I've had this mad plan since last year, and now I have space to invite people over, and am only hoping enough folks will be interested. And of course, since I'm still largely hermited and in email failure mode, I only now remembered to post about it.

See, many, many years ago, I saw Night of the Lepus when my family was staying overnight in Bismarck or Fargo or somewhere. My head says it was actually on Easter (which is possible, given that the long weekend might have afforded a getaway, but spring is planting season and we were usually tied to the farm because of it), but I can't actually confirm that my memory didn't decide it was then because it was too perfect. So I've always gleefully thought of that as the best Easter movie ever, and vaguely wanted to watch it again someday.

Then last year, Black Sheep came out, and cemented my desire, nay, need to have a wrong-o Easter moviefest. I can acquire both from Netflix, and will provide plenty of Peeps (even if I won't eat them myself, cursed gelatin) and chocolate bunnies and hardboiled eggses (which we'll most likely eat instead of decorate, but I may get creative beforehand) and other assorted whatnot for snacking or experimentation.

So what say you? Interested in ridiculous themed horror movies on March 23rd? This is a poll (so speak up!), however informal, since I don't know if it's worth hosting or not, however riotous I may find the idea. ^_^

...

2008-03-05T01:05:46Z

I just ran across a comment where someone used the, er, word "apsilutely." As in, "he’s apsilutely not." It took me several seconds to parse it, too.

I weep for our future.

forget everything and just dance along

2008-02-19T01:40:40Z

Thank you for all the birthday wishes, folks; I appreciate it more than you know, right now.

Last week was bad. Very bad, very bad, in fact (seriously, let it play for a bit; zoot-suited Shahrukh and Robert Palmer dancers FTW). Depression slammed me like a truck, with a special appearance by anxiety, and I didn't really leave the house for four days. I'm looking up now, at least, and yesterday was pretty good, as I got out (no Jodhaa Akbar, alas) and did a bunch of chores and unpacking and installing at home. Calling a therapist posthaste, though I've spent too much time playing catchup at work to do it today. Still having trouble reaching out/coping/dealing with it all, but I'm getting there.

Today has been nice, even if there's no holiday from work; I've been fairly productive, plowing through the piles of papers that threaten to overwhelm me, and I was taken out to lunch at Chef Chu's by a couple of the ladies. Kung pao tofu, my one true love. We got the fried banana dessert, and it was brought out with singing, a candle and ice cream, after they both declaimed the fact that it was my birthday to our waiter (CC's did this without asking, for which they get major points, but it'd be hard to love them more). I have flowers on my desk from my excellent neighbors, and even one in my hair (which is also very bad, very bad, unfortunately, due to a poor choice in haircuts, but I will overcome this).

Tonight I'm going to moonlightnrain's for some small mysterious gathering; I have been told to show up and not bring food (and this after stating my intention to get walnut not-prawns and a wee tarty thing from Whole Foods, so plans are afoot). I have a gift to open from my folks (who called me to sing happy birthday earlier today), and I got to go to Watercourse Way with Raven yesterday, and was dragged out of the house for a hockey game on Thursday and my friends are awesome (but you knew that).

I leave you with more Bollywood (I have Tivo, and thusly Namaste America and Showbiz India are back in my watching rotation, which rocks), because I have had Aaja Nachle stuck in my head for most of the day, and it's so full of joy. The chorus/title basically translates to "dance with me," which I will be doing as soon as I download the soundtrack from eMusic (rated even higher with me for their Bollywood selection).

it's something unpredictable

2008-01-31T08:27:00Z

I had the meal of a lifetime tonight.

karenbynight's boy had to work, so she very thoughtfully rang me up last night, to see if I'd like to go to dinner with her at Millennium. As I ate real food (ok, mac & cheese, but I was actively hungry for food) last night, I quickly rearranged my plans with ebonlock (who ended up needing a night to herself, anyway), and said "hell yes!"

Mushrooms and Frog's Leap wine (site is mildly crazymaking, but probably fun) were the foci of the evening, with the last wine being a not-for-sale library wine that I will never, ever have the likes of again. The company was excellent (not one, but two couples offered to drive us home, so I am not currently on a train), the food was unbelievable, and I generally can't quite process how amazing it was. I have the menu and will post in depth tomorrow; I've gotta sleep now (I have digested enough to fathom lying down), but had to squee briefly.

On the subject of food--if I were do something later-afternoon-to-evening for my birthday, would February 16th or 23rd get the most votes/attendees? I'm thinking a low-key potlucky sort of thing (I, er, need to finish unpacking, of course) with a theme, and would really like to see as many people as possible (I haven't the energy or money to throw a proper party, and dinner out would limit the folks involved); even if you'd just come by briefly, I want you there. ^_^

famous, sorta

2008-01-29T22:31:19Z

scoreboard posted to make sure I'd seen this, an article on sci-fi swear words...that uses a picture of my license plate (plus the Roslin sticker) as the lead-in photo. I'm deeply, vastly amused, and not a little bit smug. I just wonder when they took it!

I have no appropriate icon.

2008-01-29T22:03:18Z

Well, that was an up-and-down sort of weekend.

Saturday was magnificent, with brilliant weather (mostly cloudy sky but marvelous visibility), the ocean, and excellent company. We got a late start so didn't have much time in the aquarium, but that only confirmed I need to get back there more often (which will hopefully happen, thanks to dangerpudding and the long-term loan of a guest card!). Still, got to see the hermited octopus briefly, plus the midday-sleepies otters, the third white shark (I think I've seen them all, now!) and a quick turn through the jellies, and it was wonderful. And then I got to go shopping! The aforementioned perilous dessert saw my wistful glee when we passed the gift shop and the table of cephalopods right in front, and birthday-gifted me generously. I not only got the awesome octopus (very like my tattoo!), but also the made-of-win squid, and am thrilled with them. They have beaks and only one siphon on each and are so freaking cool; I have snuggled with them for the last three nights, and carried them around by tentacle several times.

Then was the mad rush to the wharf, where we got on our boat with about five minutes to spare. I ended up standing the entire time (a 3-hour tour), because I couldn't bear not to, in my excitement. I got to see my favorite coastline from the other side, taking pictures (I have a camera again!) of the waves crashing up on rocks I've climbed and watched from the shore. I stared in amazement at the dark liquidity of the water, how it looked like flint or carved, moving hematite in the wan sunlight. There was a corona of light around the sun, and I hope the pictures I took can be stitched together. We didn't see many whales, and mostly from afar (the orcas 4-5 years ago came much closer), but the two just as we had to turn around actually "waved" as they dove below, giving us the first and only fluke-sightings, which was awesome. Jellyfish floated by a couple of times, birds of all sizes flew around or past us, and a storm cell was moving towards the coast as we returned to land. Plus the naturalist/guide was utterly adorable, even if I was too much of a coward to actually talk to him (also, distracted by waves, much?). Thanks again to karenbynight for such a splendid outing.

We stopped by a yarn store for a bit and then zoomed up to San Jose (my new octopus makes an excellent car-pillow) to meet people for dinner at Habana Cuba. I wasn't too hungry after a snack we'd had on the wharf, and was feeling cheap, so had sides of beans & rice and plantains, which was servicable and filling, but nothing exciting. princeofwands has gotten Rock Band, though it was a testament to my worn-out-ness that I went home after seeing a bit of setup, instead of staying to play. But I will be back, oh yes, I will be back.

Sunday, I got food poisoning.

I assume that's what it was, at least, given the 14 hours of discomfort, sulphurous belching and disgusting bowel pyrotechnics that finally culminated in my throwing up the banana, rice and Gatorade ("the rice is neon yellow...") I'd managed that day. Habana Cuba was fine for me before, but either something was off about their rice (it was oddly crunchy in places) or they used meat fat in it, because I don't know what else could have set me off so very badly.

I fell asleep soon after the, er, release, and woke yesterday feeling better, but shaky, weak, and wholly uncertain about food. My amazing neighbor tamago (who'd also made me rice on Sunday and come by that night after a plaintive phone call, just in time for me to be actively sick) went shopping for me and embellished my list ("um, milk for when I'm better, bananas, and oh--applesauce"), returning with broth packets and mango popsicles and white bread and delicious rice pudding as well, and generally went above and beyond the call of duty; once again, I'm eternally grateful for the caliber of my friends.

My sleep schedule is a mess because of waking up early Sunday, napping yesterday, and a corresponding late bedtime, but I'm at work and finishing the last of the data entry, and then it's back to scanning. Just what I want to do, lift heavy boxes of paper when I'm still mostly exhausted. Lunch is applesauce, toast, broth and a banana, though there's at least twinges of hungry now, if not actual interest in food. But I'm feeling human again, which is an enormous improvement over the last few days!

unexpectedly gooshy

2008-01-24T22:00:55Z

Hey, over halfway through the day and I'm still happy, I'm counting that as a goodness.

Part of it that I love my outfit today, black skirt with pink velvet ribbons, pink tights and t-shirt, black and pink Chucks and my Gir hoodie (yeah, I'm turning 32 in 3 1/2 weeks, shut up), so even swishing my skirt on the way to the bathroom is fun.

There are lots of other little things, too (I have a list and will post about them at some point, but I can only get through so much in my lunch break), these random little joys that give me a lift.

But really, as so often, it's my friends that make me happy.

See, I had a really bad November in terms of expenses (dentist, car insurance, etc), and December was a short-pay month thanks to the holidays and being sick. So there's a lot of things that I'd like to do and buy that I just can't right now; I'm turtled hard in "no spendy" mode (yesterday's pie was a splurge that I had to think about). Some things I'll miss out on, like the White Elephant sale, Wondercon and Stitches West, because I just can't afford to pay to get in somewhere that I can't afford to spend money; it would only make me sad.

But there are other things I'm getting to see and do and experience, and even though some of it's birthdayish and not yet happening, they're giving me such a glow still that I'm going to talk about them now.

On Saturday, I get to go whale watching in Monterey with GoodHeavens! and crowd, because there was an excursion planned and my way paid is my birthday present, courtesy of karenbynight. I'll even get to see the new otter exhibit in the aquarium, as there's guest passes a-plenty (my membership lapsed for the first time in years, last fall), which I'm terribly excited about.

Last night, tersa proposed taking me to the hockey game on Valentine's Day as my birthday present, which is another sort of awesome; I've only made it to one game this season, because I may love hockey, but the boys are sucking and I can't justify the price tag very often ($20 is my new limit for a night's entertainment). I will wear my traditional Death t-shirt under my jersey, and we will bring hot chocolate and potentially other confections, and I can't wait.

And over the weekend, my excellent housemate murdoch informed me that he had procured a ticket for me to see Jonathan Coulton in SF on Feb 22nd as my birthday gift (just a few days after the day, even!), so I could join a group of various friends. I'd written that off two days previous when I got hit with a non-arrival from an Amazon sale plus the doctor's co-pay, so I was thrilled to have it back on my schedule.

Plus, of course, I will never, ever forget my experience at KOOZA (was it really not two weeks ago?), for which I will always be grateful to ebonlock and moonlightnrain. And I proudly display and fiercely love my tattoos, living monument to the generosity of too many friends to list.

And these are just the (recent) tangibles (ok, events/experiences are only tangible in the near-solid energy of my sheer joy about them and the tackle-hugs I force unto the givers); there's a million little things that all of you do and just are that I'm grateful for, that I love you for. I was really broken (my first Private posts) two months ago, so didn't do this at Thanksgiving, but you get it now. I'm trying to remind myself of this, of everyone in my life, when I'm feeling lonely and overlooked, out of place and unnecessary; I don't fit quite where I used to, and being unexpectedly out-of-place unsettles me more than I expect, sometimes. I'm still not really dealing with the depression directly, or able to talk about most of what's bothering me, but thinking of and being with my friends is my liferaft, and I thank you all.

no punch, but pie

2008-01-24T17:35:53Z

I don't post much anymore, because I'm still feeling kind of separate and alone too much of the time, and really, even I don't want to read more of my unhappy posts. But I really should post when I'm happy, to remember and enjoy it and share. So here goes.

Thanks to trystbat, I found out yesterday was National Pie Day (not to be confused with March 14, or every single day being "Pye(wacket) Day" in his furry little head). So I popped by Marie Callendar's after work, and hey presto, there's a rhubarb pie. So when I got home, I went next door, and whispering excitedly (young sir was napping), declaimed the fact with great enthusiasm, also suggesting we get a pizza...pie for dinner. I called the wacky Brazilian place (warning: obnoxious page, but the menu is worth perusing) and then went down the street to deliver pie unto Stately Wayne Manor, since that was the other half of my cunning plan. I descended upon the group, was dubbed "the pie fairy," and left again within five minutes, having dispensed cheer and rhubarb.

Back at Rancho Huevo, we waited and waited for the pizza...until I realized that I'd given them my address, next door, and that my phone was charging in my bedroom. Sure enough, the poor delivery guy had called a few times and left a plaintive message--I immediately called him back, and within 10 minutes had a lukewarm pie (he got a big tip for the extra runaround) in hand. It was still tasty, at least, though next time I want to try another, because I've confirmed my benchmark, the margherita, is quite excellent.

The rhubarb pie was just ok, mostly for lack of actual rhubarb--the pinkish slurry that made up most of the pie created a sticky red pool in the tin and on plates, and there were maybe half a dozen pieces of rhubarb per slice. The crust was nice, and bites with proper rhubarb were lovely, but it was overall sub-standard. Then again, I come from a place (my hometown has a webpage?) where the rhubarb festival is a high point of the county fair, so I'm used to the good stuff.

Quite an excellent evening, all in all. Then I went home and leveled my priest to 35 and finally uncapped tailoring and enchanting (my enchanting bag is stuffed full, and I had 18 stacks of mageweave bolts to use up), although I stayed up rather too late doing it. So I'm tired but still quite happy; I should dive fully into work to take advantage of this mood!

kaiju

2008-01-21T22:56:10Z

This worked so well last time (I never did see Sweeney Todd), but:

Between still feeling sick and coughy and waiting for ebonlock (who's since decided not to see it), I haven't seen Cloverfield yet, and from everything I've heard, I would enjoy it quite a lot. I would like to see it with people, though, for the general OMG that's likely to ensue afterwards, and because I've not been at all social lately. Wednesday, Thursday or even Friday (my standing plans have gone away) night would work for me, and I'd probably prefer early evening rather than later (I can get myself to work and leave earlier if this would help). I have passes for both Century and AMC, so wherever's fine; I'd hope that Century won't stick this onto a wee crappy screen less than a week in.

Anyone?

I am twelve.

2008-01-21T20:35:41Z

The latest data entry I'm doing is for a patent by someone whose surname is "Arjavalingam." I immediately heard Doctor Orpheus saying "the lingam yearns for the stamen-like skills of the yoni" in my head. Yeah.

Also, Mister Mystic from Soon I Will Be Invincible (which was brilliant) looks and sounds just like Doc Orpheus in my head. And as soon as Elphin was called a "fairy paladin," I hopped online and created a blonde Blood Elf paladin (on The Scryers) who will be Retribution specced, and fight with a polearm/spear. Because I'm a dork.

I have a lot of supressed anger.

2008-01-15T16:45:22Z

I was in the greatest mood this morning.

Last night I made it to the gym for the first time in over a year (I'm sneaking into the facility at Ellie's apartment complex, as I hate running, won't bike in the dark, and can't afford a real membership somewhere), and I started recording my food ala WW [edit: Weight Watchers, you dorks. ^_^] again this morning, which I haven't done since June '06. Go go KOOZA wonder-power, right?

Then I left my fucking lunch on the counter and didn't discover it until I got to work. So instead of being here a little after 8am, I've lost half an hour. And given that I got up at 6 fucking 30, this is supremely annoying.

Still haven't learned to let the little things roll off, nope. Then again, any little thing that forces me to drive with insane stupid assholes terrified of fog will always infuriate me, I suspect. (there is no good way to get to work, with either 21049813279417 left turns or Central to cross)

And there's a 2-foot stack of thankless filing and data entry waiting for me, joy of joys.

I'll find that happy place again, I'm sure, but right now I'm going to abuse my ears with loud NIN until I've cooled off a bit.

heartfelt emotion, indeed

2008-01-13T09:27:56Z

I saw the latest Cirque du Soleil show, KOOZA, this afternoon, as a Christmas gift from ebonlock and moonlightnrain. It was my 8th Cirque production (curse my finances for missing Delirium), and it may well have become my favorite, rather to my surprise. Part of this was being in the FRONT FREAKING ROW, on the far left side of the left-center section. I'd apparently looked up the wrong seat number when they got the ticket originally, because I had no idea of this when I turned up, and then I realized what "AA" meant. The men sitting near me were harassed a fair bit during the show, two being pulled up on stage, and another two being "searched" at another point, so I was very up-close with the clowns, especially, and could see every kind of costume detail as the performers did their thing (the boots had corset boning, it was so cool).

One of the things I love about live shows of any type is being right up there, being able to see the performers as they're working, to experience their love and joy and pleasure in what they're doing, and for that rare moment of connection as they look out at the sea of faces (I must work on this if I ever dance-perform much again; I may be frightened and pessimistic of what the crowd thinks of me, but I shouldn't cheat them of what I crave by staring at the floor or over their heads). This was...amazing for it. They were right, right there, all of them. And Jack, oh, the Jack.

Along with Peter Pan, I love the idea of tricky Jack, whether the wild Jack-in-the-Green or a pure trickster type. His energy and charisma and the ability to make me laugh, mmm. There's a Trickster central to KOOZA, and I fell for (the idea of) him really hard. Just this beautiful young man (I was astonished by how "normal" his cast photo was) who moved with such grace and precision, caught the eye and the mind, I can only barely explain how strongly I was drawn to him. And I was close enough to see every facial expression, every curl of lip and lift of eyebrown and mmmgahgalahasdh. Excuse me.

Apart from the Jack (he leaps out of a Jack-in-the-box at the beginning, hence my name for him), the show was just amazing. I had tears standing in my eyes through the first two acts (the spectacle/dance of the opening, and the contortionists, who were astonishing), from sheer gratitude for my friends who made this happen, and the wonder of what unfolded in front of me. At the end of the show, I leapt to my feet (most of the rest of the crowd did so, as well) clapping wildly and hooting and zaghareeting in appreciation for what the performers had just given us, and found that tears were rolling down my face. No snorking congestion (which is something, given that I've had a cold this past week), no red eyes, just these tears of wonder and joy, I was so overwhelmed by the whole thing. Which I think is why the show tops my list, just edging past Mystere (which also moved me to tears). Don't ask me to rank them all, though.

The clowns (there were many) were funny, the music was fantastic (very Bollywood in places, totally rock or pop in others), the stage was beautiful. I missed part of the performance proper in places, instead mesmerized by seeing pieces of set being secured right in front of me, cables a foot from my head (and of course, the gorgeous young men also right there). I had to look straight up for the tightrope, couldn't see parts at all, and still have a crick in my neck, but it was perfect. The Wheel of Death was the most terrifying and awesome I've seen yet, truly death-defying in places, and their satyr/devil costumes were magnificent. I gasped audibly more times than I can count, laughed and clapped and just lost myself completely. My hands hurt from clapping by the end, I think I bent my ring a little further out of shape from it, and I'd given myself a headache from so much smiling; I didn't even notice until I made it onto the train (euphoria fueling my power-walk to the station). There was a skeleton-filled revue worthy of Vegas, and a juggler with the shiniest silver butt I'd ever seen (his whole self was clad in silver), and stripes and swirls of color in ways I can never capture. It was everything I could have hoped for, bottled magic decanted for my enjoyment.

I loved this show so strongly, though I went in unsure of what I'd think (I wasn't sure if the fascination could hold through number 8, but was very pleasantly surprised). I desperately wish I could see it again, to hold onto that magic a little longer, and yes, to watch that beautiful Jack once more. But I haven't the money, and I doubt that anything could top this experience, this gift from my friends. I'll just wait impatiently for the soundtrack, and pore over the program again and again, and see the world in my dreams.

I have a new del.icio.us category called "look up" for things that make me happy or hopeful or just full of wonder. I've forgotten lately (still, again) that there's wonder and joy in the world, sometimes even within my grasp. KOOZA made me look up. I think it's given me the motivation, inspiration, woke the fire in me to do something, anything. I don't know what direction this will go in, and hope to hell the feeling sticks around, but I'm hoping I can effect change in the places that need it, because I'm still feeling dark and lonely too much of the time.

Thank you Cleveland!

2007-12-28T05:48:52Z

I am drunk. There's not a whole lot to say, because we're playing Rock Band (and it's fu kinig awesome), but I wanted to report in.

Minnesota is cold, I gota digital camera and plaid pajamas for Chrismas, my niece is astonishiongoly acute (though not an angle, really; I'mgoing to leave that typo in there).

I can play drums, guitar and sing apassably well, but none of them magnific3ently (although I rockecd outg on "Hand that Feeds," 99%!); just like the rest of my life, I'm a dabbler.

I just showed everyone the L_11 performance and they bowed down before our geekiness nad level of awesome.

Time oto go playt some more! I need another cider!

diagnosis: failure

2007-12-21T18:55:55Z

I can't go to Sweeney Todd tonight, there just isn't time. I was so damn unfocused last night that I didn't finish my gift wrapping/boxing to mail, even though I slept about 4 hours. I need to go home midday and finish so I can get them out (no way I'm going to Hope St tomorrow morning, it'll be its own private hell), which means coming back later to finish putting in my 8 hours today--being a contractor means no going home early before the holiday, even though everyone else is skiving off early today. Yeah. Merry Fucking Christmas.

At least it sounds like the nice manager will give me a pass (supposedly for anytime) if I bring the printout by today, which I'm going to do after lunch/mailing. So that's something. I never heard for certain from anyone about the movie tonight, so hope nobody ends up looking for me there.

Where's that TARDIS, already?

loss

2007-12-21T14:20:01Z

I have a lot of family on my mom's side back in Minnesota, who I don't really have any contact with. I saw them infrequently growing up, but we didn't go to Comstock much after mom's stepmother died, and I haven't seen most of them for years.

But I had a cousin, Nicole Blilie, who died on Saturday night after fighting lymphoma since August. I'd probably met her in passing, or when very young, but have no actual recollection of her; the most I remember is liking her mom a great deal. I don't know if it's the hour or the stress or the lack of sleep that's making me cry, but I'm feeling their loss keenly.

The reason I'm writing this, even though it's too little too late for Nicole (I should have done this months ago, but was too broken and selfish and inwardly focused, and I always just assumed she'd make it through, I guess), is to ask people to please sign up for the National Marrow Donor Program if you haven't already. I've got a query in to confirm that I'm in the system after signing up at a Cabrillo blood drive, and will be ponying up the cash if it comes back negative. If you can at all afford the cost, please give it some thought--hell, this would be a marvelous birthday gift (if early; I've missed the window for Xmas by now), if you'd put gift cash towards signing yourself up instead.

I'm so glad I'll be seeing my family on Saturday. Hold each other close; I love you all.

Sweeney Todd

2007-12-18T20:09:01Z

Because I really didn't want that free ticket going to waste, I am going to see Sweeney Todd at 7:50pm on Friday, at the Century 16 theater in Mountain View. I'd love company if anyone else is interested, so please let me know!

uphill battle

2007-12-17T23:42:33Z

You ladies of the knee-sock persuasion, please help. How on earth do you keep over-the-knee socks up? karenbynight brought me two pairs of perfectly lovely socks (the thick knit type) from the UK, one pink and black argyle and the other black with skull-and-crossbones, and I decided I simply must wear the former today. They were more or less ok while sitting at my desk, but when I had to get up (and crouch, and kneel, and bend over) to deal with the filing, they started rolling down, to create hard rolls just above the knee, which are both unsightly and uncomfortable. I've heard tell of sock garters, but dunno if they'd actually do the trick on my chubby legs, or if they'd need bloodflow-cutoff-tightness to be of any use (if the socks were loose and needed help staying up, it'd be a sure thing, but this seems like they're stretching tight and rolling down in rebellion), and I'm loath to waste money on something I won't use.

I'm still struggling, daily, with how much I hate myself/my appearance/my weight, but working this menial, paper-pushing job (that trained monkeys had before, if some of the past data entry is any indication) and wearing dull grey tab-front pants and some random not-tshirt shirt every day is crushing the spirit out of me entirely, and I want to wear something interesting from time to time. Today's outfit was mostly a failure, due to the loose and floppy fit of the tshirt (so cute, with a big owl on the front), but I'm trying (for extra fun, I'm constantly struggling to find/redefine my personal style). I've gotten used to the sweaty thighs rubbing together, and have grown to accept my bowlful-of-jelly stomach (I refuse to wear control-top anything anymore, as it's uncomfortable and a lie), but this rolling-down sock thing is driving me batty, and sending me back towards the horrible pants.

Any suggestions?

in the spirit, or something

2007-12-11T23:55:25Z

Asking and giving:

If you haven't done anything for me for Xmas yet and were so inclined, I just got an email message from Oceana about the nifty promotion they're doing this year--adopt a sea creature and get a cookie cutter of it, plus an exclusive sugar cookie recipe from some big baking dude. There's an octopus. Oceana is a group I've donated to in the past, but as pennies have grown more scarce, I haven't been able to keep up, and would love both for the support to their group, and the extra 'pod love.

Also, I have a free movie ticket for a Century-affiliated theater that expires at the end of the year. I won it through Blingo, and never got around to using it (I generally loathe Century theaters), and as there's not really anything I'm interested in (AMCified plans have been made for The Golden Compass this weekend, and I have a pass for that, too) plus I leave for home in a week and a half, so I wanted to see if anyone out there would like to see a film on me. Leave a comment if you're interested, and I'll email you the link and code.